Choose one or two people whom you completely trust, and tell no one else anything until you know where you stand yourself. That sounds simple, but in the first days after the discovery, the urge to talk pulls at everything. Whoever you inform now, you cannot call back later. That choice deserves a few clear frameworks.
Why you shouldn't inform everyone straight away
The urge to call is understandable. You are in shock, you want someone to know, you want to be heard. At the same time, people who know form an opinion. Often a definitive one. If you later decide to give the relationship a chance, you will run into those opinions. Not everyone is able to adjust that. You protect your own room to manoeuvre by being selective.
In my practice I often see that people have said too much in the first 48 hours and regret it later. Not because those people meant any harm, but because they can no longer be neutral. Also read what you should and shouldn't do in the first 48 hours after infidelity, as this falls directly under it.
Who can you inform then?
One or two people, maximum. The criteria are simple: they listen without immediately passing judgment, they don't gossip about what they know, and they have no vested interest in the outcome of your relationship. The latter doesn't necessarily rule out brothers, sisters and oldest friends, but it requires honesty about who can genuinely handle that.
A good confidential adviser asks questions instead of giving answers. They do not tell you what to do. They keep the focus on you.
Notifying family: what you are putting at stake
Family is loyal. That is precisely the problem too. A mother who hears that her child has been betrayed takes sides. A mother-in-law does too, but for the other side. As soon as family knows, the dynamic changes at every birthday, every family dinner, every chance encounter. That is not a reason never to tell them anything. It is, however, a reason to wait until you know yourself which way things are going.
If you have children: they are the last to hear about it, or perhaps not at all, depending on their age and what is ultimately decided. Children do not benefit from details. They benefit from stability and the reassurance that both parents are there for them.
Friends: the circle is bigger than you think
Telling one friend feels manageable. But friends talk to their partners, and they know your partner too. Social circles are small. What you confide in one person today, reaches someone tomorrow whom you didn't want involved. That's not a matter of ill intentions. It's simply how people work.
This does not mean you are on your own. It means you consciously choose who you involve, rather than leaning on everyone who happens to be available.
For entrepreneurs: this is also a business risk
Almost nobody writes about this, and it is precisely the area where things go wrong in practice. As an entrepreneur or professional, you have a position to protect. Your business partner, your staff, your clients. You are used to functioning externally while all sorts of things are going on. You manage that now, too, up to a point. But if this leaks to your business environment, you no longer have control over the narrative.
A partner who knows about it has information regarding your vulnerability. That is not by definition a problem, but it changes the dynamics. Clients who hear about it through the grapevine link it to your reliability, rationally or not. Staff who pick up on it talk about it.
The question is not whether you will ever tell your business partner. The question is when, and what exactly you will say. You determine that difference yourself, if you take the time.
Petra Wijen from Reconnect Coaching works with entrepreneurs and professionals for whom discretion is paramount. An NDA is possible, sessions take place at flexible times and in a secure online environment. Look at the Highest Level pathway if this sounds familiar.
What do your body and behaviour reveal without you even saying a word?
Sometimes the question of who you tell is less urgent than you think, because people can already see that something is wrong. You are absent, you react differently, your energy is gone. Functioning doesn't mean things are going well, and people around you sense that even if they don't say anything.
That is no reason to tell what is going on. It is a reason to give yourself something with which you can bear this, so that it does not leak out through your behaviour. Guidance via the Reconnect Coaching’s Adultery Recovery Programme does it give you that framework, even if you don't yet know where your relationship is heading.
When are you going to tell it then?
Once you have made a decision, or when you are about to reach the point where the outside world is going to notice anyway, staying silent is no longer an option. Then it makes more sense to consider what you tell and how. Not the whole story. A version that is accurate without revealing everything. That is not a lie. That is protecting something that is not yet finished.
A care provider, coach or support worker falls outside this consideration. They are bound by professional secrecy, have no connection to your social circle, and actually help you gain clarity in these choices. As described in the details you do or do not want to know after infidelity, the same applies here: not every question needs an immediate answer.
Veelgestelde vragen
Should I tell my children?
That depends on their age and what is ultimately decided about the relationship. Children do not need details, but they do need honesty when the situation at home changes. What you say is tailored to what they can handle and what is relevant to them. A coach can help you make that assessment.
What if family already suspect it?
Assumption is not knowledge. You do not have to confirm or deny anything as long as you do not yet have a clear overview yourself. You can honestly say that things are difficult at home without going into detail about what is actually going on. That is not dodging the issue, that is maintaining space for yourself.
My business partner notices that something is up. What do I say?
You can indicate that you are dealing with something difficult privately, without giving details. That is honest enough for a professional relationship. Only when it structurally affects your functioning is a more honest conversation in order. Until then, it is your information to safeguard.
Is it normal that I don't want to tell anyone?
Yes, that is completely normal. Shame plays a part, but also the need to maintain control over something that has completely spiralled out of control. Not telling anyone doesn't have to mean isolation if you do have professional guidance. That combines confidentiality with real support.
How do I know if someone is truly trustworthy?
Someone is to be trusted if they do not force you into a choice, if they can listen without immediately judging, and if they understand that this is your situation and not theirs. If you are in doubt, that is already a sign. Doubt means: wait a little longer.
Petra Wijen is relationship coach and author of the book Adultery. She guides individuals and couples after infidelity, both when they want to repair the relationship and when they are separating in a respectful manner. Over Petra
Would you like an initial chat? You can arrange this with no obligation via Getting to know you chat. Are your backs to the wall? Then is Direct Support there for acute situations, with support starting within 48 hours.
