A suspicion of infidelity is not a certainty, but it feels that way. You see signs, your stomach turns sour, and at the same time you doubt yourself. What you do in this phase determines much: for your relationship, for your peace of mind, and for what can still be repaired later on. This is not a time for action, but for clarity.
Why take a gut feeling about infidelity seriously?
A persistent feeling that something is not right deserves attention. Not because it is always right, but because it always tells you something. Sometimes about your partner. Sometimes about the relationship. Sometimes about fears that have been playing on you for a long time.
In my practice, I often see that people ignore their feelings for weeks or months before seeking help. They rationalized them away, or didn’t dare to allow the thought to enter their minds. Understandable. But a feeling that persists requires a fair look, not a panicked reaction.
A suspicion of infidelity is also not proof. Those two things are not the same, and that distinction is important for what you do next.
What are the signs that could indicate infidelity?
There are behavioral changes that people later recognize as signs. Think of: more distance, more phone secrecy, unexplained absence, less touch, communicating differently. Or just the opposite: suddenly being extra attentive, which can also be a way to compensate for guilt.
But. None of these signals proves anything on their own. Stress at work, personal problems, changes in the relative phase, or something completely different can give exactly the same signals. That makes the phase of suspicion so devastating: everything could mean something, nothing proves anything.
What matters is the pattern. Not one thing, but several things at the same time, over a longer period of time. And above all: the combination of what you see and what you feel in your contact with your partner.
What you should not do during the suspicion phase
The urge to investigate is strong. Checking the phone, tracking location, asking friends to observe, hiring a detective agency. It feels like gaining control over something that feels completely out of control.
But a detective investigation has a price that you rarely anticipate in advance. If it yields nothing, you have a broken trust and possibly a broken relationship because of what you did to find out. If it does yield something, you are in a position that is less emotionally bearable than you think: you have the evidence, but you skipped the conversation.
Checking is not a conversation either. And a conversation, no matter how difficult it is, yields more than evidence that you found later. Read also Jealousy and controlling behavior after adultery for more about what controlling behavior does to you and your relationship.
How do you conduct the conversation if you have a suspicion?
This is the hardest part. You want to confront the person, but you don't know what you're going to hear. And you're not sure if you're right either.
A conversation based on suspicion doesn’t start with accusations. It starts with naming what you’re experiencing. Not: “I know you’re hiding something.” But: “I’ve noticed for a while that there’s something different between us, and I want to know if you’re experiencing the same thing.”
That sounds vulnerable. It is also that. But it opens up a conversation instead of defending yourself. And whatever comes out of that conversation, however uncomfortable it may be, gives you something to go on.
Bee Talking about adultery after the fact Find out more about having conversations that don’t get derailed. Many of these principles also apply in the phase before a confirmed suspicion.
What if you are on your own and you can't get it out?
You rarely have a suspicion for yourself. You can’t share it with friends without stories emerging that you can’t undo. You can’t share it with colleagues. And if you’re an entrepreneur and just go on with it when it’s playing in your head, you know how heavy that combination is.
Functioning does not mean that things are going well.
Reconnect Coaching also offers guidance in the phase of suspicion. Not to help find evidence, but to gain clarity about what you feel, what you want to know, and how to approach it in a way that does not further damage the situation. This can be discreetly, online, at times that fit your schedule. For entrepreneurs, an NDA can be provided upon request.
If you would like to know more about what is possible after a confirmed suspicion, read on further on the page about the Adultery Recovery Project.
What if it turns out to be nothing after all?
Then you have discovered something else: that something is going on within you, within the relationship, or in the connection between you. That is also valuable information. A persistent sense of unease or distrust, even without infidelity, deserves an honest conversation. And sometimes guidance.
A relationship check-up can help you understand where the tension is coming from and what your relationship needs right now. That is a different approach than a crisis conversation, but sometimes it’s the better one.
Would you like to speak with us without obligation first? Schedule an Getting to know you chat to see what is most appropriate at the moment.
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How do I know if my gut feeling is right or if I'm being too suspicious?
That distinction is difficult to make from the inside. A feeling that persists over a long period of time and is linked to concrete behavioral changes deserves serious attention. One-time suspicion after a quarrel or stress is different. If you can’t get out of it, talking with an outsider can help you get a clearer picture.
May I check my partner's phone if I have a strong suspicion?
Legally, the boundaries are complex, but apart from that, the question is what it will bring you. Finding evidence through surveillance puts you in a position where the conversation is about your action, not about the affair. A direct conversation is more difficult but it gives more.
What if my partner denies it even though I am sure of it?
A denial is not the same as the truth. But your certainty is not the same as proof either. What helps is naming what you experience and what you need, without demanding that the other person confesses. Sometimes professional guidance is needed to conduct this conversation properly.
Can I get guidance if nothing is certain yet?
Yes. Reconnect Coaching also offers guidance during the phase of suspicion. It can be helpful then to not be left alone with something you cannot share and have not yet been able to name.
What if my partner eventually gives in? What then?
Then a different phase begins, with other questions. What you do in the first few hours and days has a big impact on how it will go afterwards. Read the blog about that. What to do and what not to do in the first 48 hours.
Petra Wijen is relationship coach and author of the book Adultery. From Reconnect Coaching she guides people and couples through relationship crises, from the first suspicion to recovery or a respectful farewell. Over Petra
