Children do not need details about what happened between their parents. What they do need is certainty: that they are safe, that it is not up to them, and that both parents remain there for them. How you put it depends on the age. What you say is less important than how you say it.
Should children know that there was adultery?
No, not in those terms. The word fornication is meaningless to children or too big. What they do notice is tension. They see that you don’t eat, that there’s soft but intense talk in the evenings, that one of you cries. Children fill a void with their own explanation. And that explanation is almost always: it’s my fault.
That is the reason to say something. Not to have openness as an end in itself, but to break through that interpretation. A child who understands that there is something difficult going on between mom and dad, and that it has nothing to do with that, has enough.
What you say, at what age
Young children (4 to 8 years old)
Young children live in the concrete. They understand feelings, but not abstract concepts like trust or betrayal. What works: short, calm, without blame.
An example that is useful in practice: “Dad and mom are going through a difficult time. That has nothing to do with you. We both love you and that will never change.”
More is not necessary at this age. Repetition works better than explanation. If a child then asks if you are sad: you are welcome to say yes. “Sometimes I am sad, but I can handle it. And you don’t have to do anything about it.”
Primary school age (9 to 12 years)
Children in this age group are good at reading the atmosphere. They hear more than you think. They ask more direct questions. A vague answer breeds distrust.
What helps at this age: a little more clarity, without naming the content of the crisis. “We are arguing about something that’s between us. Adult stuff. We’re trying to work it out, but it’s complicated. You just have to be able to be a child.”
When a child asks if you are going to get divorced: being honest about uncertainty is better than a false promise. “We don’t know yet. But what we do know is that we will both remain your parents.”
Teens (13 years and older)
Teens wade through the vagueness. They search online, listen to conversations, and talk to friends. If you don’t say anything, they might already know. Then silence can do more harm than an honest, limited conversation.
A teenager deserves more truth, but still no details. “Something has happened that has damaged our trust in each other. We are working on it. I don’t want you to feel like you’re in the middle of things between us. If you have any questions, you’re welcome to ask them.”
What you should not do: use your teenager as a sounding board. The temptation is great, especially if contact with your partner is difficult. But a child should not become a substitute for your own confidant. That is a burden they cannot bear, even if they say they can handle it.
Staying together as your relationship is strained
This is the hardest part for many people. Functioning as a co-parent while you are angry, while you are sad, while you don’t yet know what the decision will be. In my practice, I often see that parents underestimate this. They think: if things are going well for us as a couple, things will automatically be fine for us as parents. But the opposite also holds true: consciously agreeing on how to together guide the children through this period gives structure to a moment when everything is chaos.
Practical arrangements that help:
- Agree on what you both say when the children ask questions. The same message, from both parents.
- Don't talk about the crisis the children are going through, even if you're whispering or using code words.
- Determine when you, as parents, discuss the children, apart from the conversations about the relationship.
- Don't ask your child how things are with the other parent; that's not their job.
If the conversations between you keep escalating, also about the children, then external help is not weakness. It is protection for them. Talking after infidelity: having conversations that do not escalate provides tips for conversations that are less likely to deteriorate quickly.
What if a parent has already said something that wasn’t helpful?
That happens. In a moment of sadness or anger, you say more than you intended to. Or your partner has told the children something that you didn’t know about.
Then the question is not: how do I resolve this? The question is: how do I minimize the damage? A calm, short conversation in which you rephrase the message to the child helps more than further explanation or rectifying the situation. Children need peace and quiet, not a court case.
If there are genuine conflicts of loyalty in children, or if a child shows behavioral changes, it is wise to involve a child psychologist or educational advisor. That falls outside of what relationship coaching offers, and that is exactly why it is worth mentioning.
When guidance helps
It Reconnect Coaching’s Adultery Recovery Programme Parenting also includes this: how can you continue to function as a couple, regardless of the outcome of the relationship? Petra Wijen supports both couples and individuals, even if the decision about the relationship has not yet been made.
In acute situations, immediately after the discovery, Direct Support Available. Start within 48 hours. For entrepreneurs and professionals who also need to function during the day while everything at home is on high alert: discretion is standard, an NDA is possible.
See also: Who do you tell about the infidelity? Family, children and your business for the broader question of who should know what.
If you want to know what mentoring means for your situation, schedule an appointment. Getting to know you chat. Free of charge, within 48 hours.
Veelgestelde vragen
Should children know that there was adultery?
No, not in those terms. Children do not need details. What they need is the assurance that the tension between their parents is not their fault, and that both parents remain there for them. You adapt the message to the child's age.
What do you say when a child asks if you are going to get divorced?
Honesty about uncertainty is better than a false promise. You can say that you don’t know yet, but that you both will remain parents, no matter what happens. A child can handle uncertainty, but not lies that come out later.
How do you prevent a teenager from choosing a party?
By not asking for a side. Do not talk negatively about your partner in front of your teenager, do not use your child as a sounding board, and agree as parents on what you both say. If a teenager does experience loyalty conflicts, an external counselor, such as a child psychologist, is a better step than trying to resolve it on your own.
What if my partner has already told me more than I wanted to know?
Don’t try to fix everything with explanations. A short, calm conversation in which you restate the core message works better. Children need peace and quiet; they don’t need a reconstruction of what was said. Then, talk with your partner about how you will approach this going forward.
Can children be affected by what is happening at home, even if they know nothing about it?
Yes. Children register atmosphere, tension, and changes in behavior. Just because they don’t understand it, they can internalize it. For most children, simply stating that something difficult is going on, without going into detail, is less stressful than complete silence.
Petra Wijen is relationship coach and author of the book Adultery. She guides people and couples who want to know where they stand after an affair and what their next step is. About Petra Wijen
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