After infidelity, virtually everyone asks themselves the same question: is it me? That is not a sign of weakness or insecurity. It is your brain's automatic reaction to a situation it doesn't understand. Understanding why your brain asks that question is the first step to getting through it.
Why does your brain even ask this question?
Your brain is always looking for cause and effect. When something painful happens, it wants to know why, so it can predict and control the situation. Cheating doesn't fit the image you had of your relationship, your partner and yourself. Your brain then resorts to the most obvious explanation: yourself.
That might sound strange, but there is a logic to it. If it is up to you, you also have influence. If only you change, perhaps things will get better. If you are the one at fault, you do not have to accept that the world is uncontrollable. Self-blame feels safer than randomness.
In my practice, I see this pattern time and time again. People who have known themselves well for years, who are competent in their work, who successfully navigate the relationships around them, fall back on the exact same question after the discovery of infidelity: what did I do wrong? It is striking how little outward appearance, status, or self-assurance in daily life protects against this inner turmoil.
What self-reproach does to your self-image
Self-blame has a temporary function. It provides a foothold at a moment when everything is collapsing. But if you stay in it for too long, it eats away at your self-image in a way that hinders recovery.
You begin to view yourself through the eyes of the betrayal. Wasn't I attractive enough? Too busy? Not present enough? Too much of myself? Every memory is re-weighed. Every moment your partner was distant suddenly takes on a different meaning. You build an indictment against yourself from fragments you supply yourself.
What I also regularly see with entrepreneurs and professionals: they function excellently on the outside, make decisions, hold meetings, are the point of contact for others. And meanwhile that self-questioning continues relentlessly. Functioning does not mean that things are going well. The silence after a busy day is often the moment when self-criticism speaks the loudest.
Is it really not your fault then?
This is the point where much guidance stops at reassurance: it is not your fault. That is true, and at the same time that sentence falls short.
Because there is a difference between blame and a share [in it]. Every relationship has dynamics. Sometimes things didn't go well. Sometimes there was distance, discontent, miscommunication. You can honestly examine that share at some point, when you are ready. Not to punish yourself, but to understand what was going on.
But that is different from blaming yourself for the cheating. The choice to cheat is always the choice of the person who did it. Anyone who is missing something in a relationship has other options: a conversation, a proposal, a decision to end it. Infidelity is never the only way out, and it is never your responsibility.
In the blog Why did my partner cheat on me? I describe why the search for the why rarely yields what you hope to find. That also applies to the variant where you look for the answer within yourself.
How do you overcome self-reproach?
Not by forbidding yourself to ask the question. Your brain doesn't stop searching on command. Rather, by understanding what the question does and where it comes from.
A few things that help:
State the job title. Say literally to yourself: my brain is seeking control. I am not asking this question because the answer is yes, but because my brain is looking for something to hold on to.
Distinguish between questions that move you forward and questions that go round in circles. Questions like what do I want now, what do I need, what are my boundaries take you further. Questions like was I too little or too much are circling thoughts that exhaust you. The blog about images and thoughts after adultery delves deeper into how to deal with that kind of circular thinking.
Talk about it with someone who doesn't immediately reassure you. Friends and family want to help and are quick to say: don't be so silly, it really isn't your fault. That's kind, but it shuts down the question without understanding it. Mentoring goes a step further: looking together at what the question does, where it comes from and how you can let it go.
At Reconnect Coaching, Petra Wijen works according to the approach of the Adultery Recovery ProjectRust, Overview, Control. The self-image question belongs to the phase of Overview. Not to answer it with yes or no, but to understand what it asks of you and where your attention is better directed.
If you are currently in the acute phase and feel like you cannot bear weight on anything for a moment, then look at Direct Support. Petra starts coaching within 48 hours, including online and at flexible times.
Veelgestelde vragen
Is my partner's cheating my fault?
The choice to cheat is always the choice of the person who did it. There may have been things that were not going well in the relationship, and those are worth looking at. But that is different from blaming yourself for the cheating. Fault and part are different things.
Why can I not stop blaming myself?
Self-reproach gives a sense of control in a situation that feels incomprehensible. If it is up to you, you also have influence. Your brain reaches for that reasoning not because it is correct, but because randomness is harder to endure. Understanding why your brain does this helps to gain a little more distance from it.
What is the difference between fault and share after infidelity?
Fault is about who caused the cheating. That is the person who made the choice. Part is about the dynamics in the relationship that may have been at play for longer. You are allowed to take an honest look at that part at some point, when you are ready. Not to punish yourself, but to understand what was there.
How do I know if my self-questioning is helping me move forward or exhausting me?
Questions that move you forward are about what you need, what you want and where your boundaries lie. Questions that exhaust are those that circle without an answer being possible, such as whether you were otherwise enough. If a question keeps returning without yielding anything, that is a signal that it has a function other than seeking insight.
Can a coach help with self-blame after infidelity?
Yes. A coach helps not just by offering reassurance, but by looking together at what the self-question does, where it comes from, and how your attention can return to yourself and your own direction. Petra Wijen from Reconnect Coaching guides people through relationship crises and starts guidance within 48 hours.
Petra Wijen is relationship coach and author of the book Adultery. Through Reconnect Coaching, she guides individuals and couples through relationship crises following infidelity. More about Petra
[...] you want to know how infidelity affects self-image and decision-making, the blog Is it me? Why your brain asks that question after infidelity provides insight into what happens cognitively and emotionally in this [...]