Children do not need details about what happened between their parents. What they do need is certainty: that they are safe, that it is not up to them, and that both parents remain there for them. How you put it depends on the age. What you say is less important than how you say it.<\/p>\n
No, not in those terms. The word fornication is meaningless to children or too big. What they do notice is tension. They see that you don\u2019t eat, that there\u2019s soft but intense talk in the evenings, that one of you cries. Children fill a void with their own explanation. And that explanation is almost always: it\u2019s my fault.<\/p>\n
That is the reason to say something. Not to have openness as an end in itself, but to break through that interpretation. A child who understands that there is something difficult going on between mom and dad, and that it has nothing to do with that, has enough.<\/p>\n
Young children live in the concrete. They understand feelings, but not abstract concepts like trust or betrayal. What works: short, calm, without blame.<\/p>\n
An example that is useful in practice: \u201cDad and mom are going through a difficult time. That has nothing to do with you. We both love you and that will never change.\u201d<\/p>\n
More is not necessary at this age. Repetition works better than explanation. If a child then asks if you are sad: you are welcome to say yes. \u201cSometimes I am sad, but I can handle it. And you don\u2019t have to do anything about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Children in this age group are good at reading the atmosphere. They hear more than you think. They ask more direct questions. A vague answer breeds distrust.<\/p>\n
What helps at this age: a little more clarity, without naming the content of the crisis. \u201cWe are arguing about something that\u2019s between us. Adult stuff. We\u2019re trying to work it out, but it\u2019s complicated. You just have to be able to be a child.\u201d<\/p>\n
When a child asks if you are going to get divorced: being honest about uncertainty is better than a false promise. \u201cWe don\u2019t know yet. But what we do know is that we will both remain your parents.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teens wade through the vagueness. They search online, listen to conversations, and talk to friends. If you don\u2019t say anything, they might already know. Then silence can do more harm than an honest, limited conversation.<\/p>\n
A teenager deserves more truth, but still no details. \u201cSomething has happened that has damaged our trust in each other. We are working on it. I don\u2019t want you to feel like you\u2019re in the middle of things between us. If you have any questions, you\u2019re welcome to ask them.\u201d<\/p>\n
What you should not do: use your teenager as a sounding board. The temptation is great, especially if contact with your partner is difficult. But a child should not become a substitute for your own confidant. That is a burden they cannot bear, even if they say they can handle it.<\/p>\n
This is the hardest part for many people. Functioning as a co-parent while you are angry, while you are sad, while you don\u2019t yet know what the decision will be. In my practice, I often see that parents underestimate this. They think: if things are going well for us as a couple, things will automatically be fine for us as parents. But the opposite also holds true: consciously agreeing on how to together guide the children through this period gives structure to a moment when everything is chaos.<\/p>\n
Practical arrangements that help:<\/p>\n
If the conversations between you keep escalating, also about the children, then external help is not weakness. It is protection for them. Talking after infidelity: having conversations that do not escalate<\/a> provides tips for conversations that are less likely to deteriorate quickly.<\/p>\n That happens. In a moment of sadness or anger, you say more than you intended to. Or your partner has told the children something that you didn\u2019t know about.<\/p>\n Then the question is not: how do I resolve this? The question is: how do I minimize the damage? A calm, short conversation in which you rephrase the message to the child helps more than further explanation or rectifying the situation. Children need peace and quiet, not a court case.<\/p>\n If there are genuine conflicts of loyalty in children, or if a child shows behavioral changes, it is wise to involve a child psychologist or educational advisor. That falls outside of what relationship coaching offers, and that is exactly why it is worth mentioning.<\/p>\n It Reconnect Coaching\u2019s Adultery Recovery Programme<\/a> Parenting also includes this: how can you continue to function as a couple, regardless of the outcome of the relationship? Petra Wijen supports both couples and individuals, even if the decision about the relationship has not yet been made.<\/p>\n In acute situations, immediately after the discovery, Direct Support<\/a> Available. Start within 48 hours. For entrepreneurs and professionals who also need to function during the day while everything at home is on high alert: discretion is standard, an NDA is possible.<\/p>\n See also: Who do you tell about the infidelity? Family, children and your business<\/a> for the broader question of who should know what.<\/p>\nWhat if a parent has already said something that wasn\u2019t helpful?<\/h2>\n
When guidance helps<\/h2>\n