After an affair, almost everyone behaves differently than they normally do in a relationship. You cling to the partner you hurt, or you no longer want to have anything to do with that same person. Sometimes you switch between the two within just one day. That is not weakness or a sign of confusion. It is a bonding reaction under extreme stress.<\/p>\n
Attachment is the system through which we as humans form connections and maintain them. It operates largely outside of our conscious mind. When a close relationship is threatened, that system goes into alarm mode. The result: you react out of protection, not out of consideration.<\/p>\n
After the discovery of adultery, the threat to attachment is enormous. The person you trusted is at the same time the source of the pain and the only one to whom you seek comfort. This is an impossible position for your nervous system. The reactions that result from it are not character flaws; they are the system trying to survive.<\/p>\n
Revenge after an affair feels embarrassing for many people. You don't want to lose the other person, not even now. You call more often than usual, constantly want to know where the partner is, and can't let the situation go.<\/p>\n
This is one of the most common reactions I see in my practice. The attachment urge becomes stronger as the threat increases. Leaving the other person or losing them feels like a second blow on top of the first. The pushing away is an attempt to regain the security that existed before the discovery.<\/p>\n
In people who also bear a lot of responsibility outside the relationship, such as entrepreneurs or professionals who make decisions for others on a daily basis, I see this pattern even more strongly. Functioning does not mean that things are going well. During the day, there is the structure of work. At home, the system falls away and reprimand is the most visible.<\/p>\n
The opposite is just as logical. You no longer want to see the other person, you don\u2019t want to be touched, you react coldly or closed off when yesterday you might have been close together. This is not flukiness. It is the other side of the same mechanism.<\/p>\n
Evacuation occurs when closeness feels too dangerous. The system has learned that the other person hurts. Distance is then protection. For some people, this is the dominant reaction. For others, it alternates with aggression, sometimes every hour.<\/p>\n
In the blog Is what I feel normal? Recognising trauma after infidelity<\/a> Read more about the broader range of reactions that are normal at this stage.<\/p>\n Nothing is as exhausting as not knowing where you stand. You want to get away from the other person; then you want to be close to them. You have a good conversation and think: maybe it will work out. An hour later everything feels pointless. This cycle of switching is for many people the signal that they no longer recognize themselves.<\/p>\n It is not a confusion of character. It is the result of two simultaneous, conflicting needs: seeking security from the other and seeking security before the other. As long as that tension is not resolved, it will continue to fluctuate.<\/p>\n That is exactly why this kind of reaction is difficult to handle without guidance. Not because you can\u2019t handle it, but because the system you need to navigate is currently under pressure itself.<\/p>\n Recognition is a start. Understanding that your reaction is a logical response to an extreme situation gives some space. But recognition alone does not change the pattern.<\/p>\n What I see in my practice is that it helps to organize the first mess of reactions before you make big decisions. Not as a postponement, but as a foundation. In the blog Cheating partner: what to do and what not to do in the first 48 hours<\/a> It specifically describes how to get through the first phase so that you have some room for choice later on.<\/p>\n Bee Reconnect Coaching<\/a> In the initial phase, we work on three things: Rest, Clarity, and Control. Not to steer the outcome, because whether you repair the relationship or end it respectfully is both a good outcome. But to ensure that you choose from a more stable point of view, rather than from an attachment system that is currently in alarm mode.<\/p>\n Petra Wijen of Reconnect Coaching starts coaching within 48 hours. Full confidentiality is possible for entrepreneurs, including NDA and a secure online environment. A first introductory meeting is without obligation via introduction<\/a>.<\/p>\n In the case of persistent sleep problems, dissociation, or other physical complaints, it is advisable to contact your GP or a psychologist in addition to coaching. A post-adultery attachment reaction is recognizable and normal. When the body remains in an alert state for a long time, additional professional support is useful.<\/p>\n Yes. Denial is one of the most common attachment reactions after an affair. The system that maintains connection becomes alarmed at the threat of loss. The fact that the pain comes from the same person does not make it any less intense. It is a physiological reaction, not a choice.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n This alternation arises because you have two conflicting needs at the same time: seeking closeness with the other and protecting yourself from that same other. As long as that tension is not resolved, it will fluctuate. It is exhausting and normal at this stage.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n That varies per person and per situation. Without guidance, these patterns can persist for a long time, because they maintain each other. With guidance, stability is more likely to emerge. You can read more about the timeline in the blog about how long it takes to process adultery.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n Yes. Even the partner who has gone out of the relationship can show intense attachment reactions, such as extreme pleasuring, withdrawing, or alternating between the two. That explains the behavior, but it does not justify it. In counseling, we look at both sides.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n That is a common pattern, especially among entrepreneurs and professionals. Outside there is structure, but at home that is missing. Functioning does not mean that everything is going well. Reconnect Coaching offers guidance that fits this pattern, including flexible hours and complete discretion.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n<\/div>\n Petra Wijen<\/strong> is relationship coach and author of the book Adultery<\/em>. She guides people and couples through relationship crises after extramarital affairs, with an emphasis on both the emotional and the practical aspects. More about Petra<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" After adultery, you either stay committed or walk away. Petra Wijen explains why that is logical and what you can do about it.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":2909,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[71],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3050","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3050","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3050"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3050\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3065,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3050\/revisions\/3065"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2909"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3050"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3050"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3050"}],"curies":[{"name":"well played","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}The exchange: the most confusing phase<\/h2>\n
What helps when you recognize this?<\/h2>\n
Veelgestelde vragen<\/h2>\n
Is it normal for me to cling to the partner who cheated on me?<\/summary>\n
Why do I want to have nothing to do with my partner one day and the next day be close to them?<\/summary>\n
How long does this phase of clinging or letting go last?<\/summary>\n
Can I recognize attachment reactions in my partner?<\/summary>\n
What if I perform well at work but completely collapse at home?<\/summary>\n
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