Those images do not stop by themselves. You see it in your mind's eye, over and over again, sometimes even without wanting to. That is not a sign that you are weak or holding on to pain. It is a normal reaction of a brain that has tried to process something it does not yet understand. There is a name for it, and there is a way through it.<\/p>\n
Your brain reacts to betrayal the way it reacts to danger. Not figuratively, but literally: the threat was real, the shock was real, and the system in your mind that keeps you safe is now on high alert. What people in my practice describe as \u2018it just keeps turning over\u2019 is actually an alert system that no longer knows when it is allowed to switch off.<\/p>\n
This is also known as betrayal trauma: a reaction to the loss of safety in a relationship that you had experienced as safe. It is not about weakness or about \u2018not being able to get over it\u2019. It is about a brain trying to make sense of what has happened, and repeatedly going over the same information in the hope of finally gaining some control.<\/p>\n
In the case of persistent sleep problems, eating disorders or symptoms that do not subside, it is also wise to consult a GP or psychologist. That and coaching do not mutually exclude each other.<\/p>\n
A trigger is a stimulus that the brain links to the pain of the discovery. His phone lying on the table. A certain scent. The time he normally used to come home. Even a song on the radio.<\/p>\n
That sounds over the top, but it is understandable. Your brain has formed a direct connection between those triggers and the moment of the impact. As soon as something resembles that moment, the alarm goes off again. Not because you are being dramatic, but because your system is trying to protect you.<\/p>\n
In my practice, I often see people blaming themselves for reacting so intensely to small things. They are ashamed of the images, of the checking, of suddenly having to cry in the middle of a meeting. Whilst that system is simply doing what it is supposed to do.<\/p>\n
When an image arises, it helps to name it rather than push it away. \u2018I have an image now. My brain is doing its thing.\u2019 That is not acceptance of the situation, but it creates distance between you and the thought. You are not the image. You are seeing it.<\/p>\n
When his phone on the table triggers a physical reaction, that is information. Not about him, but about what you need at this moment. Sometimes it helps to agree that he puts his phone in a different place, not as a punishment, but as a temporary measure while you stabilise. That is not control, that is breathing.<\/p>\n
A brain that never switches off exhausts itself. That is especially relevant when you simply have to function during the day, have meetings, make decisions, talk to clients. Functioning does not mean that things are going well. Precisely those who appear intact on the outside run the risk of underestimating the internal damage.<\/p>\n
Small structure helps more than grand gestures: exercising at set times, eating mindfully, a fixed bedtime. Not because that takes the pain away, but because an exhausted brain amplifies the images.<\/p>\n
Many people hope that more information will stop the images. If only I know exactly how it was, the ruminating will stop. In practice, it works the other way around: more details provide more material for new images. In the blog Do I want to know all the details? Which questions help and which harm<\/a> It is set out in detail when a question helps you further and when it does not.<\/p>\n The images become less intense as the brain begins to understand that the danger has passed. That requires two things: time and safety. Not the safety of a fine promise, but concrete, experienced safety in daily contact.<\/p>\n How long that takes differs per person and per situation. In the blog How long does it take to get over infidelity?<\/a> it is honestly described what you can and cannot plan in it.<\/p>\n Guidance can speed up this process, not by bypassing the pain, but by addressing it in a structured way. With the Infidelity Recovery Programme by Reconnect Coaching<\/a> people work with concrete steps towards peace of mind, organisation and control, even if they still look completely normal on the outside.<\/p>\n If the images are overwhelming at the moment, you don't have to wait until you've figured it out yourself. Petra Wijen from Reconnect Coaching offers via Direct Support<\/a> crisis support starting within 48 hours, in three steps: Calm, Overview, Control.<\/p>\n If you first want to see if guidance suits your situation, a Getting to know you chat<\/a> a good first step. No strings attached, without judgement.<\/p>\n Yes. Your brain repeats information it has not yet been able to process. That is an automatic process, not a conscious choice. It says nothing about how strong you are, but rather that your system is overloaded and could use some help.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n That varies per person. For some the intensity decreases within a few weeks, for others it takes months. The duration is related to how safe the situation at home is, whether there is openness in contact, and whether there is guidance. Without any structure or support, images can persist for a long time.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n A temporary arrangement to limit stimuli is reasonable and can provide peace of mind. It doesn't resolve the underlying pain, but it gives your brain some breathing space so it isn't constantly on high alert. Make it an agreement, not a unilateral demand.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n That is a pattern I often see in my practice, especially with people who have busy jobs or run their own businesses. During the day, there is enough distraction and structure to dampen the system. In the evening, that disappears and everything comes to the surface. Functioning during the day does not mean things are going well.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n If you persistently do not sleep, do not eat, or notice that your daily functioning is severely disrupted, it is also wise to involve a general practitioner or psychologist. Coaching and psychological guidance can coexist and often reinforce one another.<\/p>\n<\/details>\n<\/div>\n Petra Wijen<\/strong> is relationship coach and author of the book Adultery<\/em>. Through Reconnect Coaching, she guides individuals and couples through relationship crises following infidelity, without steering towards a predetermined outcome. More about Petra<\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You keep seeing it over and over again in your mind's eye. What are those images, why won't they stop, and how do you cope with them after infidelity? Petra Wijen explains.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":2903,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[71],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2962","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":7}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2962","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2962"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2962\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2963,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2962\/revisions\/2963"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2903"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2962"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2962"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/reconnect-coaching.nl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2962"}],"curies":[{"name":"well played","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}When does it ease up?<\/h2>\n
What you can do now<\/h2>\n
Veelgestelde vragen<\/h2>\n
Is it normal that I can't stop the images, even though I want to?<\/summary>\n
How long do the images last after discovering adultery?<\/summary>\n
Does it help to ask my partner to put their phone away?<\/summary>\n
I function normally during the day, but in the evening I fall apart. Is that right?<\/summary>\n
When should I seek professional psychological help alongside coaching?<\/summary>\n
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